Flying, it’s one of humanity’s great achievements. The joy of flight has long been dreamt about from the failure of Icarus to Leonardo da Vinci’s idea of a helicopter. Since the Wright brother’s managed to put a man in the air with mere bicycle parts, more and more people have been able to fly, albeit in a more complicated contraption not made from pedal-powered machines.
Now, flying used to be for the bourgeois class, back when planes were nothing more than tin cans being hurtled through the air by blades. This wasn’t a very long time ago; maybe around 50 to 60 years ago, but definitely before most of us were born. Nowadays, flying is accessible to almost everybody. This of course means that we’ll meet various types of people whenever we travel. Sometimes, we may have the great luck of sitting next to a lovely old couple, or a beautiful, intelligent girl. Unfortunately as I type this, I am sitting next to quite the opposite.
This is a problem for most things. The more accessible something is to everybody, the chances of meeting those that should be subjected to Darwin’s law is much higher. Take motoring for example. Cars are another invention for a great cause that is being bastardised by idiots whose main purpose in life seems to be to remove themselves from the gene pool as fast as possible. The same goes to motorcyclists. Actually, mostly to motorcyclists.
You may be able to see where I’m going with this. There are many problems you have to face on the road, what with motorists speeding, or going too slow, or indicating too early, or indicating too late, or not even bothering with indicating, However for some reason, in the chance encounter that you may even so slightly brush them because of their idiocy, it somehow turns out to be your fault. Like how the lovely gentleman next to me told me to go out the other way in the event that I have to use the bathroom. What a lovely fellow. I’m sure he has many friends over for his dinner parties. Anyway, I digress.
The solution to some may be to introduce rules. However rules go only so far. I have a much better idea, one that can be implemented straight away. It doesn’t involve any taxpayers’ money, or bickering in Parliament. It does, however, involve about £300,000 from your bank account. No, it isn’t a Rolls Royce Phantom. Quite far from that actually. It’s from South Africa, and it’s called the Marauder.
And what exactly do you get for your £300,000? Well, if you miss the deceased Hummer, don’t fret, for the Marauder is an adequate upgrade. Like the Hummer, it was built for the military, but converted for civilian use. A Hummer H3 is just under 5 metres long and 3 metres wide. But if you don’t think that’s big enough, then perhaps the Marauder might be. At 6 metres long, 3 metres wide and almost 3 metres high, the Marauder is to the Hummer what an American is to the rest of the world. Oh the irony!
Unfortunately, the insides are not lined with mahogany or fresh cowhide. But it does come with rifle holders. And it also seats 10, albeit in not much luxury. However the trade-off is that you and your passengers are riding in what’s considered to be world’s most unstoppable vehicle. Its 10 (TEN!!!) tonne body is armoured, and its windows are built to withstand attacks from rocket-propelled grenades. Stuck in a jam? Time to make use of its off-road abilities. The Marauder puts its four-wheel drive, diff locks and 40-cm ground clearance to good use. If by chance you come across a building blocking the way, don’t fret, as the puny building is no match for the brawn of the Marauder. It will smash through it as if it was made by the first two little piggies (that’s straw and sticks, to those of you who had a childhood deprived of fairy tales).
The Marauder is also built to withstand landmine explosions, so if you unfortunately parked over some explosives that happen to explode, you may be inconvenienced by your car being left in a hole in the ground. Which won’t be an issue as the aforementioned off-road abilities, coupled with the powerful 220kW, 1100Nm 6-cylinder turbo diesel engine, will drag the car out of the ditch without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, if you were driving a measly Hummer, you’d have to buy a new car.
Down side? Fuel economy perhaps, despite having a range of 700 km. Another obvious flaw is that the windows cannot be wound down. This will be terribly unhandy at a drive through. Oh, and you may have to prove that you’re not a supervillain before you’re allowed to purchase one. Other than that, I can see absolutely nothing wrong with this car. Also, it can be converted to be used as an ambulance, command centre or be fitted with an overhead weapon system. Four different cars for the price of one! Now that’s a bargain! Road sharing may be an issue too, but with the Marauder, I seriously doubt anybody would dare share the road with you. Fantastic! That’s the problem of bad drivers solved. Now, if only there was a similar solution to deal with horrible passengers…
Some say his favourite basting for steak is RON98, and that his mating call is similar to the sound of a V8. All we know is, he’s called Jonathan Thong.
Image taken from here