new joke hahaha

[darkhorse_86]

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine
sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about
the boys and what their names were; she said 'Kelvin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?
'Kelvin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kelvin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball 'Kelvin', she
said.

'Are all your boys called Kelvin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly
complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually.
When I shout: Kelvin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say:
Kelvin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.

'I see'. But what if you want only one of them?

'No problem.' she answers.

'Then I call them by their surnames'.

[kelvinlym]

Yeah, I have a big family.

I'm the tall one with pimples and a third nipple.

[ElansarGelmir]

"Different Countries & Thier Romantic Meanings"


"H.O.L.L.A.N.D"
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

"I.T.A.L.Y."
I Trust And Love You.

"L.I.B.Y.A."
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

"F.R.A.N.C.E."
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

"C.H.I.N.A."
Come Here.. I Need Affection.

"B.U.R.M.A."
Between Us, Remember Me Always.

"N.E.P.A.L."
Never Ever Part As Lovers.

"I.N.D.I.A."
I Nearly Died In Adoration.

"K.E.N.Y.A"
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

"C.A.N.A.D.A."
Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction

"K.O.R.E.A."
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.

"E.G.Y.P.T."
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

"M.A.N.I.L.A."
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

"P.E.R.U."
Phorget (Forget) Everyone... Remember Us.

"T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D."
Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.

[ElansarGelmir]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists � two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

�We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.� The first man said.�You can�t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,�

The agent replies, �Then you�re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. �I tried, but I can�t kill my wife.� The agent replies, �You don�t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.�

Finally, it was the woman�s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, �You guys didn�t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.�

[ElansarGelmir]

Doing House-work

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both
worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's
work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Saving Up

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.

Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop.

The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance.

"Honey, you're just a young thing," she remarked, "but you look like hell. What's up?"

"I've been double-crossed," the miserable bride moaned. "When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!"

[ElansarGelmir]

Getting Off Drugs

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

[ElansarGelmir]

Two math professors are in a restaurant. One argues that the average person
does not know any math beyond high school. The other argues that the
average person knows some more advanced math. Just then, the first one gets
up to use the rest room. The second professor calls over his waitress and
says, "When you bring our food, I'm going to ask you a mathematical
question. I want you to answer, 'One third x cubed.' Can you do that?"
The waitress says, "I don't know if I can remember that. One thurr...
um..."
"One third x cubed," says the prof.
"One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.
"One"
"One"
"Third"
"Third"
"X"
"X"
"Cubed"
"Cubed"
"One third X cubed"
"One third X cubed"
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back. They resume their
conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, "Say, do you mind if I ask you
something?"
"Not at all"
"Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"
The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, "Plus a constant!"

[ElansarGelmir]

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...repairmen refused to work in the house...the maid quit...finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the small was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and h is new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...including the curtain rods.

[ElansarGelmir]

A blind man goes into a tavern, finds the bar, and sits down. When the bartender comes over and asks what he'd like to drink, he says, "I'd like to get a beer and tell blonde joke."

The bartender says, "Well, I'll give you a beer, no problem, but you should know that I weigh 250 pounds, and I'm a blonde. Also, my brother is sitting next to you. He's also about 250, and he's blonde too. My cousin is sitting at the table behind you, he weighs almost 300 pounds, and he's a blonde. Are you sure you want to tell the blonde joke?"

The blind guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well, I guess I'll have the beer, but I won't tell the blonde joke."

"Why not?" asks the bartender.

"Well," the blind guy says, "I don't want to have to explain it three times."